Blending In

BLENDING IN

Reviewed by Marjorie J. Hurst

Many of us looking back on our growing-up years can point to at least one seemingly major insecurity that we faced which, at the time, impacted our lives and how we viewed ourselves.  For most of us, although it may have seemed as if we would never get over our insecurities, we did.  Perhaps that was because we were mostly dealing with normal things like not being able to dance, having awful and continuous outbreaks of acne, being the one always picked on (or even worse ignored), not being as pretty as the rest of the girls, not being as athletic as the rest of the boys, not being popular or smart or liked, not having as nice clothes as the rest of the kids, and so on and so forth.

       But what happens when you grow up with insecurities that are not so readily dispensed with?  Insecurities that haunt your very being?  Insecurities that impact your psyche and leave a lasting imprint on your life, forever coloring how you see yourself and the world around you?

       In Blending In, Barbara Ann Gowan, gives us her hard-found answers to those questions as she deals with her reactions and her responses to being both bi-racial and adopted, two factors that had a major impact on her life that the majority of us probably have never even given much thought to.  I know I hadn’t until I read her book.

       Color became a dominant issue in the United States with the advent of slavery and it remains an insidious and determinant factor used by many to judge a person’s worth, even today.  Black people were accepted by Whites based on their skin tones and we, ourselves, learned to judge each other by how fair or how dark the hue of our skin was.  Often, even within our own families if you were fair-skinned, you were treated better than if you were dark-skinned.

       But what happens when you are bi-racial, neither White nor Black, and you feel as if you don’t belong to either race?  And, perhaps worse than not knowing which race you belong to, what happens when you add to that dilemma the fact that you also don’t know who you are -- the essence of your own identity -- because you are adopted and you have no information about your birth parents?  Who were they?  Why did they give you up?  What are their backgrounds?  Do you have “real” family members?  What are your roots?  The result of wrestling with these searing questions and the insecurities they caused her is Barbara Gowan’s poignant description of her search for her identity, for the love she felt she had been denied, for self-acceptance and for peace in knowing and understanding how she fits in.

       What makes this book a compelling read is the honesty with which Barbara tells her story.  The details she shares about the lives of her adoptive parents, their complex personalities and relationship to each other and to her and yet their unconditional love of her; her extended family and the friends she made along her journey who gave her emotional support and love when she needed it most; her two marriages and four wonderful children who are the center of her universe; her discovery at long last of her birth parents and their acceptance of her (one more than the other) resulting in the “real” family she so longed for; and finally her realization that she, along with God, holds the true key to her happiness.

       There are three things that really stand out about this book and Barbara Gowan’s journey.  The first is that she does not blame anyone for the mistakes she made in her life nor does she dwell on them.  It is obvious that her insecurities impacted the choices she made but what we learn about her is that she didn’t allow her insecurities or her mistakes to reduce the person she is, instead she kept moving forward until she finally found herself and is now able to explain, “I have come to realize that we all have issues.  Mine may not be yours, and yours may not be mine.  Many of us look outside of ourselves to find happiness.  I used to think, ‘I’ll be happy when I go away to college, get married, have a child of my own, find my birth mother,’ and on and on and on.  Many of these things did bring me happiness, but what is more important is the inner peace and joy I found when I learned to be content in whatever situation I am in.”

       The second thing that stood out for me is the education she gives to those of us who are ignorant of the effects of adoption on the adoptee, the birth parents and the adoptive parents and their families.  Barbara’s book opened up a whole new area to me and gave me an understanding and an appreciation of the complexities of adoption.

       And finally, whatever the issues we find ourselves struggling with at any given time, we can all heed Barbara’s observation: “I’d been so busy looking for what I felt was missing, that I didn’t take the time to count the blessings I already had.”  Amen.